Now that I have reached six months of age, a veteran you might say, I thought it was my duty to share with you all that I have learned about the world around me! haha SHIT no! What this is right here, is all you need to know about controlling the environment, controlling your family, and getting as much out of your life as possible. I am sure that to many of you, it seems like a complicated process but once you've learned the fundamentals, it's really very easy.
The main thing you have to remember is to act as though you are the boss.
Because you ARE.
Behave in a manner that leads the lady and man adult to believe that what they owe you most is happiness, and that they are failing miserably.
It keeps them on their toes.
Make sure to give them enough smiles to keep them trying for more, otherwise you'll push them right over the edge. I find this one works best:
It's important to factor in size. I have learned that with minimal effort, I am able to get away with less and less as my size has increased. For example, when I was very new and small, I was able to kick my man adult out of bed for eight weeks. I know it was his bed because he always left it in varying stages of anger, sadness, frustration and/or exhaustion when I got screamy as soon as he got in. For this to be successful, timing really is everything. If you start too early in the day, you're liable to wear yourself out completely, and it's entirely possible that you'll sleep in your own bed for a half hour before waking, enabling said man adult to get some rest in his own bed. I found it beneficial to start screaming at around six.
Now, it's important to remember that not everyone has my stamina. I don't mean to sound boastful, but at my smallest I was quite capable of reducing my lady adult to tears and then carrying on until eleven or twelve at night. That wasn't colic either, just verbal misery at a high decibel. Considering how much she disrupted my life at the time, I only feel a little guilty about that.
Which brings me to a very important point. The lady and man adults have their own job, and we as babies, have another one. It is our jobs to be needy, clingy, distracting, oderous, dependant, with a nice sidedish of cute and lovable to keep them coming back for more. Their job is not only to deal with it, but deal with it happily. Don't feel guilty about it. Thems the breaks. Besides, you're going to have to get more creative as you get older, so you might as well enjoy it.
Now, about dinner.
Dinner is a special time for everyone, for different reasons. For the lady and man adults, their dinner is a time of satisfaction, which I can easily ruin in several different ways. The standards are crying, puking, or banging myself in the face with a toy by "accident", but don't stifle your creativity by depending on these.
But I wasn't really talking about their dinner, I was talking about mine.
I have learned that as the baby, the lady and man adults take an inexplicable delight in my food. The seem overly exited about my reactions to different tastes. A word to the wise: prune will come back to bite you in a bad way, and meat is good.
That being said, if the food your lady or man adult is offering you is green, or orange without a sweet aroma I suggest the following behavior:
1. take one mouthfull and spit it out on your bib
2. arch your back so as to slide down the seat of your highchair, giving yourself the most uncomfortable appearance possible
3. Compress your neck to the point that it appears that you have none, thereby squishing your spit out bite into your chins, making your adult consider the cleanup before offering it again.
4. make an angry growling noise.
5. Repeat as many times as necessary.
These five steps should be enough to ensure that you receive the delicacies that befit your station ie: fruit and meat.
that's all for now my fellow babies! I am going to go have a nap. I need my rest because later I plan on squirming until they put me in my bouncing apparatus, at which time I will take a rather large dump followed by jumping forcefully. I haven't yet managed to get it in my hair yet, but I'm trying.
Check back often for more tips on controlling the universe!
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