I am the one who
I admit I am
I have chosen
I may never
When I check inside
I believe in
I pay attention to
I want to be remembered for
I have never been
I am still learning
I am
I am the one who never stands out in a crowd and is easily forgotten. I am the one who blends into the wallpaper. I am the one who is non confrontational and non assertive. I am the one who is frequently misunderstood and misjudged. I am the one who is constantly overlooked...except for the few people who take the time too look deeper. To them, I mean the world.
I admit I am accomplished at building walls and barriers to keep the world away. I've learned that it's less painful to walk the world alone than it is to trust people. Sometimes I'm afraid I've gotten so good at it, I don't know how to take them back down.
I have chosen to take the path less traveled. It's probably more appropriate to say I have chosen to make my own path through mangroves and over mountains. My husband says I wrestle giants alone...my mother says I do everything the hard way. On the other hand, I value everything I've accomplished for myself because I know exactly the price I paid for it.
I may never forgive myself for my biggest mistakes with my daughter. In an effort to give her everything she deserves, I cost her a very great deal. Forgiving myself is a daily struggle, and some days I fail and some I succeed. I am gratified to see by her beautiful smile and laughter, by the way she makes everyone love her...that the good outweighs the bad. But I've never been able to go a day without being so sorry for the losses I have caused her. I have never been more sorry that it is her that pays for my mistakes.
When I check inside I am proud of what I see. Over the last two years, I have changed alot of the darkness to light. I have healed old wounds so there is nothing left but faint scars. I have let go of old pains. I have calmed the chaos.
I believe in myself. I have walked through fire to be where and who I am. I have carried burdens I never should have had to. I have faced down monsters with bare hands and no protection. I have given up everything, to gain freedom. I have made sacrifices. I have been alone in the darkness. I have lost people I love. I have faced down my fears. I have come out the other side of depression. My greatest accomplishment, is that I am a good mother.
I pay attention to my children and my family and what concerns them. I have learned that the people I love, and the people who truely love me, are the only things that really really matter. The people who have been and will continue to be there for me, who don't judge me, who accept me for all that I am and all that I'm not, who don't try to change me, who stand beside me, who catch me when I fall, who's love is so unconditional...these are the only things I can't live without.
I want to be remembered for my devotion to my children. If at the end of my life, whenever that is, the only thing people can say about me is that I was a good mother, then I find that I can live with that. I believe that my children are the only thing I'll really leave behind. They are another page in a story that goes back so far, names are forgotten. In them are the pieces of generations behind me, tales of love and hardship, sacrifice...Pieces of my mother and father, my husband, my grandparents. I want the love I feel for my children to resonate in the bones of their children, just as the love my grandmother had for me resonates in mine. I want to write in bold on the pages of my childrens lives. When my children leave my home, I want to know that they will be a possitive force as they move through the world.
I have never been very good at saying no. I am a yes woman. If you ask me for something, I will probably say yes, even if I don't have it to give, because I don't like to say no. Ever. Sometimes I am disapointed that people continue to ask me for favors when I am tapped dry, and I wish that they would just realize that I can't always do it.
I am still learning to accept myself as I am. Some days it's harder than others.
I am your regular average everyday girl.
